Below is the twelfth week of my daily ten observations. To learn more about my daily ten, and read the observations that came before these, you can read all previous posts here.
1. We don't have many clocks in our house. It is entirely possible to go from one room to the next completely oblivious of the time.
2. Holding on and letting go. Catch and release.
3. I am running short on pages - trying to figure out what comes next. Dozens of days feels like an accomplishment, but what about hundreds? How would it feel to begin the page with TEN. THREE HUNDRED SIXTY-FIVE?
4. He doesn't know it, but he has helped me affirm and recommit my practice.
5. You can love people with boundaries. You can love them from a distance.
6. I wasn't sure how I felt about her the first time I met her, but our second meeting is much warmer and I decide I really like her.
7. At least now I know we're making progress.
8. The look on his face when he sees me there to pick him up is everything.
9. I wish I could be more helpful.
10. We are both so tired, but even though my body worked hard today, his exhaustion still feels more valid than my own.
1. Every sound she makes seems so pronounced this morning.
2. We tuck everything away neatly once we've wiped the sleep from our faces and begin the day.
3. I am cutting it close today.
4. "Love takes off the masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within." James Baldwin.
5. One of my favorite words is, "lovely," when used sincerely.
6. Their suggestions all lead me back to the same place.
7. I identify so strongly as their mother, sometimes I wonder if I get lost in that identification.
8. I want to eat all the brownies and drink all the cider, but I don't.
9. I am trying to make him feel safe.
10. I am so excited to get in my bed.
1. Less than 3 weeks until my hundredth day.
2. Knowing that my observations have sparked another person to start making observations makes me feel like I have paid the gift forward given to me by Alisha Sommer.
3. 13 is my favorite number. Friday the 13ths have been one of my favorite days since I was a child. A Friday the 13th this close to Halloween feels almost magical.
4. He sits on the floor beside the bed in the dark checking the news. I rake my hand through his hair and he rests his hand on my ankle.
5. I don't know what I was expecting from the inside of this house, but it's not that.
6. I had plans, and I adjusted them... this is big for me.
7. My fingers are sore from my grip on the scissors.
8. Everything is coming together. I was a little anxious, but I should have known it wasn't necessary.
9. She's here. It feels like she should always be here.
10. I felt wide awake just a moment ago. Where did that feeling go?
1. He's coughing again. I lay and wait to see if it will resolve itself. It doesn't. I get up and bring him so water.
2. He would eat the same thing for every meal every day if he could.
3. The morning went so quickly. I felt like I had more time than this when I woke up.
4. I bristle at her comments, but I don't show it. I remind myself what she's saying isn't about me. It's about her.
5. The room looks exactly like I pictured it.
6. Everything is going smoothly. I didn't need to go overboard, like I almost did. The activities I put together are enough.
7. She looks so happy. It makes all the planning and craft prepping worth it.
8. This day feels like it should have been spread over several.
9. I have mixed feelings about how much they like this show.
10. Once I make it through Monday, I need to do some purging again. There's a lot of clutter accumulating and I'm no longer comfortable with that.
1. The clouds keep covering the sun as the day breaks, it makes it hard to wake up.
2. The hours between waking and 10am seem to pass the fastest.
3. She has her tragus pierced. I'm used to being the only mom with body piercings and tattoos -- this makes me feel closer to her somehow.
4. He can't even contain his excitement, and why should he try.
5. He's looking at me like he wants to carry me home. It's sweet but I appreciate that he resists the urge to offer.
6. I got all the dye off of my hands except for my pinkie nail. That one is being stubborn.
7. With each pregnancy we have been a team, but we feel even closer this last time.
8. She'll be ten tomorrow.
9. She said, "I love how they family." I had never thought to use family as a verb before, but I instantly love it.
10. He says I am fanatical about my journaling practice. It is a compliment; something he admires about me.
1. The clenching of my belly and the localized ache in my lower back are coming more frequently, but I don't tell him at first.
2. I convince myself it will pass.
3. She is giddier now than she is on Christmas morning. I can hear her laughing from the other side of the house.
4. Ten years old. Ten rotations around the sun. A decade earthside.
5. I try to relax and release my muscles. Logically, I know tension makes it worse, but it's hard not to fight it.
6. I stay in the shower almost too long. I force myself to turn off the water just before I get dizzy.
7. I think I want a tassel garland to hang over my writing desk. I am in love with the one I hung for her birthday.
8. I need to take off this belly band but I am nervous because I know how much pressure will return to my hips.
9. I love him in his Harry Potter pajama pants. I love him in everything.
10. One more page left. I really shouldn't have waited til the last minute.
1. Twelve weeks in. Of observing, of paying attention, of taking the time to really see things and wonder.
2. It's cold outside. Not brisk or crisp, but actually cold.
3. 38 weeks. Will I see 39?
4. I love how much of a little girl she still is, and I love watching her grow.
5. Is this is? It might be it. Too early to tell.
6. Nope, not yet.
7. Making these playlists is helping me calm my nerves.
8. I can't believe it's only Tuesday.
9. Listening to my hips pop is unsettling.
10. Daily Ten. Day Seventy-Three. Again and again.