Below is the seventh week of my daily ten observations. To learn more about my daily ten, and read the observations that came before these, you can read all previous posts here.
TEN. FORTY-THREE.
1. So much day has happened and the sun hasn't even gotten comfortable in the sky yet.
2. I could eat oatmeal for breakfast every day.
3. The sun doesn't go into hiding on rainy days. It's still there, glistening inside of raindrops.
4. I am trying to share more of myself. I am trying not to be the surface version of myself with people I love.
5. It is okay to breathe first and sort through everything, an immediate response is not always necessary.
6. I am getting better at protecting my peace of mind.
7. I'm not entirely sure what he means, but I know he means well.
8. I am exploring what enough means.
9. It's just the five of us again.
10. He said, "Mama, you're so beautiful," and for a second I saw myself the way he sees me.
TEN. FORTY-FOUR.
1. He only likes to stay at the park when there are other children there, even if he has no intention of playing with them.
2. He asks so many questions these days. I picture his brain as this ever-growing encyclopedia where he stashes all of my answers.
3. I don't know what it is about the way the sun hits these maple leaves but it always remind me of how much beauty there is in the world, no matter what else is going on.
4. My locs block the light from the page. I am writing in the shadow of my hair.
5. I never noticed that lamppost before, nestled inside of branches, shining out between the leaves. It looks like the entrance to Narnia.
6. I remind him to celebrate himself and reminding him, reminds me.
7. I am trying to be a woman I would want them to be like. I am trying to be a better example every day.
8. His eyelids are so heavy as I finish one last sentence.
9. This lesser pain makes me afraid of what I know is coming.
10. I love the sound of his heartbeat.
TEN. FORTY-FIVE.
1. I watch her walk away until I can barely see her anymore, until I am really just tracking a bouncing dot, but I see that dot to safety.
2. The year she was born the seasons were bleeding into one another. It was fall on paper but summer in practice. It appears this baby will come earthside in true autumn.
3. I am trying to embrace abundance - to take notice of the way my life is already abundant and attract more of it into my life, but the mentality of scarcity is hard to shake.
4. So much of what she's saying is my life.
5. "Healing is not linear." (Melinda Alexander on the hey girl podcast )
6. "Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift." Mary Oliver
7. All of this truth, all at one time, is hard to take in, but so necessary.
8. Drinking this lemonade makes my breath smell like crushed rose petals.
9. Obsidian. For healing and protection.
10. True change lies outside our comfort zones.
TEN. FORTY-SIX.
1. I woke to the sound of clanging pipes and wheels crunching over gravel and wondered if they would ever be done.
2. There is so much I am trying to remember. I keep feeling the anxiety of knowing something has been forgotten, but not knowing what that something is.
3. How has so much day happened already?
4. Perhaps I did not pause to observe it because I was being present in it, living it.
5. I am trying to remember when my feet got this wide. They don't look wide to me, but my shoes didn't shrink so...
6. Sciatic. Pain.
7. She glows and glides through the room, and reminds me of the magic that takes place in these 9 months.
8. I am always trying to practice being more honest. With myself and with those around me.
9. I think I was in 4th grade when my teacher told me (and the rest of my class) that headlights and break lights on the highway at night look like strings of rubies and diamonds. She was so right.
10. He is abrupt, but that is just his way, especially when he is tired.
TEN. FORTY SEVEN.
1. I need to start writing all of these down somewhere.
2. I am highly competitive with myself.
3. This is one of those Sundays that just feels like pre-Monday.
4. This is one of those moments where I know there is reflecting to be done and plans to be made, but I don't want to look behind me or in front of me. I just want to be still.
5. The green is leaving the leaves. Yellow is moving in.
6. Sunday afternoon may be the worst time to go grocery shopping.
7. I am grateful to be able to make a meal that fills their bellies and nourishes their bodies.
8. I am feeling the busy-ness of the last couple weeks in my back.
9. He models dedication, perseverance, and commitment so well.
10. I am getting better at saying no, but it still feels like it needs to come with an explanation. Getting used to using "no" as a complete sentence is going to take some time.
TEN. FORTY-EIGHT.
1. I am deep in the middle of a dream when I first wake up, and even though it begins to fade the moment my eyes open, there is a moment where it feels more real than the pillow under my head or the alarm going off beside me.
2. I resit the urge to say anything about her outfit. This too is part of growing up - for her and for me.
3. For some reason when you are pregnant, people feel emboldened to touch your body and make comments on the way it expands to accommodate new life. I don't know what it is about this particular period that inspires them so.
4. The negative stuff feels heavier than the positive.
5. I am trying to tell myself what I would tell my girls, or any of my children, but somehow it feels more true when I saw it to them. What does that say about how I love myself?
6. My face feels warm.
7. I want to read so many books all at the same time and still savor them independently of one another.
8. The house feels bigger now somehow.
9. I am both tired and strangely alert. I hope I sleep well tonight.
10. Goodnight, cicadas.
TEN. FORTY-NINE.
1. The leaves are curling in on themselves. They look like they are trying to keep warm.
2. As she chews her breakfast she pauses, the expression on her face changes, and I imagine she is reacting to a conversation she's having in her head. I do the same thing.
3. It doesn't matter how many times I read it. I still get excited to begin again.
4. It is amazing how music can transport you to a completely different place, time, state of mind, or sometimes all three.
5. The difference between a blessing and a burden can often times just be perspective.
6. I need to get comfortable being comfortable. I need to let myself just be good.
7. Conversations about paradoxes and equal rights and social constructs in the car on the way home from soccer practice with my eleven-year-old. She has such a beautiful mind.
8. Whether I am gone 10 minutes or 10 hours he always misses me.
9. "Trust your words."
10. I wonder what the world would be like if truth were more readily available - if people weren't afraid of it, if they didn't hide from it, mask it, or bury it.